From Concept to Confession

I am sitting in an ICU waiting room for the eighth day in a row. My wife and baby girl just had to leave me and go home. My sisters and brother have also left but we promised our dad we wouldn't all leave him so here I am... resolved not to leave him (not that anyone else wanted to, but they have obligations and they will be coming back). The doctor tells us not to let our emotions go up and down because whether my dad is getting better or worse there will be good days and bad days. Yet I am sick every time I walk through the ICU doors not knowing whether he is doing great or terrible and realistically I have no idea what any of the numbers that give me comfort or panic really mean. I am helpless, unable to fix it. The funny thing is that I have been praying for God to teach me to trust Him and now I almost feel like this is my fault. That my dad is laying in that bed because my faith is weak. I pray that God will heal him. I remind God of stories where Jesus healed people like I am trying to build His confidence (come on God, You can do it). I recount scripture promises and claim them. I am hopeful every time the door opens and then I round the corner and see him in the same state and my heart falls. I am back to square one. Weak. Feeble. Helpless. And yet I continue to hope. I feel my faith strengthen and will not be shaken. I am resolved to pray that God will heal him and believe that He can. I wait. Realizing that those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. I need strength. I wait. Because I can do nothing else. I hope. But only in Jesus because He is my only hope. My faith is becoming real and yet it hurts so bad. When faith matures from concept to confession you realize that all you can do is rest in Him. I rest.